When 2 Lines Turn Back to 1

Trigger Warning for miscarriages, postpartum, & infertility. 

I have known many people that have had miscarriages, but that has not been part of our story... until recently. For those of you who know me and our story, having our only son was really hard for me AFTER he was born. It was really, really, really hard. It also affected our family, and it was hard for them, too. 

But there are a lot of things that women don't feel comfortable talking about or sharing with most people. Miscarriages, postpartum mental health issues, and infertility are probably at the top of the list. So, a lot of times women struggle in silence. Which is a very lonely place, and that makes it worse. Somethings people struggle with when trying and having babies are: 

Infertility for women (and men) 

Miscarriages 

Hormonal issues during pregnancy 

Postpartum depression 

Postpartum psychosis 

Being a single mom 

Not having family or friend support and even sabotage 

Dealing with custody issues 

But, with even this long list of possible struggles, how often do you hear people talk about them? How often do you worry about feeling ashamed or worry you might be judged if you do share? The sad thing to me is with the state of social media, cyber bullying, unwanted opinions, unsolicited advice, you are justified with keeping hard things we deal with to ourselves. 

I have always wanted to change this, encourage people to share, and support one another when people need it the most. It is easy to ask for prayers when there are outwardly signs of distress or hospitalization. Crowd funding organizations like GiveSendGo are so helpful for rallying people behind a cause for people in need! Bless them for being a platform to give support through prayer and financial donations. 

But how often do you see crowd funding for any of the reproduction issues above? Full transparency, I haven't seen even one. That is a problem to me. All the above require support from family and friends and there are a lot of financial resources needed. So, we feel alone, we struggle in silence, we tough it out, and deal with it the best we can. 

That is why I am writing this post. That is why when I saw "2 lines" on the pregnancy test (learning I was pregnant), and even though it was so new, I told some family & friends. But then when I lost our baby, and the 2 lines went back to the "1 line" (not pregnant), I shared the sad news with the same people. But, because I had included them in our excitement, and then unfortunate loss, we got support. It was emotional support: calls, text messages, cards, visits, flowers, coffee, prayers, cake, and lots of chocolate. My parents and Kyle's parents are even buying us a tree in honor of our angel baby. 

All the support helps. It doesn't take away the pain and sadness, but it does give comfort in the moment. It gives people the opportunity to pray for you and your family. They can be there for you. They can remind you of God's faithfulness and hope for a healthy baby. 

I know I am VERY blessed to have a good support system, but I had to tell them. People can't be there for you if you don't include them in the journey and what you are going through when it happens. Otherwise, we feel alone. Losing a baby, at any stage, is so hard and even devastating. We shouldn't have to struggle in silence, but many people do. I hope this will change. 

We named our angel baby Taylor. I am comforted to know he or she is with my late mom, grandparents, other angel babies, and pups in Heaven. I hope for a someday baby. I pray God will answer our prayer for the baby that is on our hearts and hopefully we will have one day soon.

I made some art in honor of Taylor and hopes for our someday baby.  You can check out my Etsy shop here.

The Ultimate Creator- Moab, Utah

 

Moab, Utah

Videos of the Scenic Views of Moab, Utah

Kyle and I recently went on a trip to Moab, Utah for a special off roading event, outdoor exploring adventure, and a belated anniversary trip.  We celebrated 11 years of marriage in August.  Some people say times flies in marriage, but for us it feels like a long time. 

We have been through so much together over the years and we have come out stronger.  It feels like our marriage has refined us individually and as a couple through pressure to transform our marriage into a diamond.

Arches National Park in Moab, Utah

We certainly do not have it all figured out and conflict always comes up, but overall, I feel like we are in a good, happy, and content place.  As opposed to the way we use to interact together, at one point, when I wondered if we would make it.  The stresses of our lives became so great, but with God as our rock, we were able to cling to Him, and fight for our marriage and each other. (We also went to a great Christian marriage counselor for a few years and put the work in to address issues to move forward in better and positive ways.)

"Window" Rock formation, Moab, UT

Moab, Utah reminded me of the transformation our marriage has gone through and showcased the incredible creator God truly is. God has created an area of the country that you can literally see the layers of the crust of the Earth from millions of years of erosion. Like life and marriage, the pressures of the whole Earth have created shifts, and erosion. Over millions of years, the changing lakes and rivers have created landmark rock formations. Besides looking like Mars, the desert landscape is like nothing I have ever seen!

Arches National Park in Moab, UT

The national parks in Moab, Utah take you through a journey in time where you can explore and come in close contact with these amazing rock formations.  We explored the Arches National Park, and it was very vast and awe-inspiring. If you are ever able, I would encourage you to explore Moab and see God’s mighty hand on display in physically shaping the world!

"My Head Hurts"

 

1st Day of School 2021

James had been complaining about headaches after school. I would make comments that it was, "convenient it was happening right when it was time to start doing his homework". We thought maybe he wasn't drinking enough water. We thought maybe he wasn't eating enough at school. We thought maybe it was seasonal allergies. Can you tell we gave this a lot of thought??? I even asked his pediatrician about it too.

About James on his first day of school

But it wasn't until Parent's Night at his school when I spoke with another mom who said it could be related to his vision. Then, I immediately knew she was on to something. As I had found out, it was only happening around academic activities. I didn't think he had any trouble seeing but now knew it had to be related to his vision. Pediatricians can do basic vision screenings. Finding an opthamologist that can, has all the equipment, and will do comprehensive children's exams I realized, are harder to find.

After a visit to Milan Eye Center for a sty and a basic exam for James, they referred us to Eyes on Towne Lake. They told me about the wonderful Dr. Jennifer A.Dattolo, OD, FCOVD, there who specializes and has all the equipment to see children ("infants to elderly"). She gave James the most comprehensive eye exam I have ever seen and she was very efficient. After a long exam she told me the answer to our burning questions!

Working on Math homework

James has weak eye focusing muscles. She prescribed him glasses for reading, writing, and computer screens at school and home. Basically anything within his arm distance. He picked out some cute glasses and they are being ordered now. She said the straining trying to focus is what is giving him the headaches.

1st School Project- "Mercy Watson to the Rescue"

Kyle and I both wear contacts and have poor vision. James has 20/20 vision now and these glasses should help keep his vision better longer. The focusing muscles should get stronger over time as well.

So mommas and daddies, don't stop searching for an answer when you know something is not right with your babies (no matter how old they are). We have to be their biggest advocates! Trust your gut!

 

The Bright Sides of my Ankle Recovery

Female Strength Mural at Mercedes-Benz Stadium

 I have always been a "Let's look at the bright side" kind of person.  During difficult situations sometimes you really must search for something positive.  Positives can be hard to find and maybe they will not be revealed until a (much) later date. I do believe; however, God can use anything for His good, eventually. God also can provide comfort and grace during a trial to help you get through it. If you welcome Him in, He is with you even if He is silent.

 

Getting my medical boot

Since I have broken my ankle, it has changed just about everything I do to get around, to do household tasks, forget about running or playing soccer. In the event I have somewhere to go dressed up, nope, no heels either. I love my heels- the higher the better. But COVID-19 canceled my "heel events" anyway.

 

First time going up the stairs

Taking a shower

Showers looked a lot different and stairs, do not get me started on stairs. I feared getting more hurt by going up or down stairs. I stayed in an extra bedroom on our main level and did not go up the stairs for 2 weeks. I slept on an air mattress and used the couch behind it for working.  You know when you own a business certain things still need to get done.  Employees would be pretty upset if I had not run payroll that week.

 

Frankie trying to be sweet

I could go on and on about all the things I could not do or how hard it was for me and my amazing husband and son who picked up all the slack. But, I want to focus on the bright sides of this situation.  This whole time I have been looking for how God will use my broken ankle and the aftermath to reveal things to me and teach me some life lessons.  This has happened for a reason, and I was determined to figure out what the reasons were.  This is part of my story now.

 

Flowers from a friend

Flowers from two friends

Love. The biggest bright side of this whole experience has been L O V E. Actually F E E L I N G how loved I am. I have been abundantly blessed by the outpouring of support in so many ways from my family, friends, friends of friends, neighbors and even acquaintances. This is my biggest bright side. To have such amazing people in my life during such a hard time has been overwhelming, in the best way. Our family has an unforgettable gratitude to all of you for your kindness. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

 

Physical Therapy

I have a much bigger appreciation and gratitude for my health, fitness, and mobility. I developed a bigger compassion to those individuals that have mobility restrictions.  It is hard to explain, but there are a lot of emotions you have when you are struggling physically.  You feel like you are missing out because you cannot participate in certain things.

 

Grocery shopping for the first time

You can feel the eyes watching you wondering what happened to you or the story behind your situation. That is the most common question I get.  The little kids seem to be the most outspoken about their curiosities. Then their parents seem sorry or embarrassed that their kids ask questions or want to touch the medical boot. I did not mind them though, they mean well.

 

Tubing on the Toccoa River in Blue Ridge, GA

Then I felt almost guilty and an inconvenience for asking for help doing something that would have been easy for me before. I tried to ask in a really nice humble way and then be patient that it may not get done right then. I did not want to not come off as bossy or ungrateful.  I tried to use a lot of pleases and thank yous. That was a feeling I put on myself; Kyle and James are wonderful!

 

Braves game with my family

We feel very blessed with the things we have but they are not important, because they are just things.  It made me evaluate and reflect on what is important in life.  What IS important are the people you surround yourself with and the relationships you have in your life. My relationship with God.  That is one thing I can never do without in my life.