Tips for the "First" when you have a "Second"

 

Our boys

When you have a second child, life changes for everyone, especially for your first child. The whole family dynamic shifts dramatically, and sometimes it can be harder for a child to express how they feel about it. They have their own thoughts, but there may 3be uncertainty, even while you're still pregnant.

Once the baby is born, it's important not to make everything about the baby. Show the first child that they are still important and validate their feelings during the transition. They may subconsciously seek ways to gain more attention while it seems like everyone is focused on the baby.

My husband and I make a conscious effort to spend one-on-one time with our older son. I love having moments with him where it's just the two of us, and my husband also enjoys one-on-one time with him. We also plan activities for the three of us to enjoy together. Additionally, both my husband and I have taken separate trips with our son, just the two of us each time.

After 10 years between them, no one but the Lord knew this would ever happen. As you may know from my other blog posts, I had incredibly difficult postpartum issues after our first son was born. For about eight years, I truly believed we would not have any more children. However, at the beginning of 2023, the Lord changed my heart, and we decided to try for a second child.

We started trying, and I got pregnant. Heartbreakingly, I had a miscarriage and lost our angel baby at around six weeks. We all mourned the loss of our angel baby, whom we named Taylor. In Taylor’s honor, we planted an oak tree in our front yard.

After that, we got pregnant again with our now 9-month-old baby boy. There was a sweet happiness when he was born. One of the best parts has been watching our two sons interact. Our older son loves his baby brother—holding him, playing with him, reading to him, and showing him off. They already share a very special bond.

Our older son is now 11 and is a huge help with his little brother. Some mornings on the weekend, when the baby wakes up, our older son gets him, and they hang out together. It’s so nice for me and my husband to be able to sleep in on mornings like that! He has wanted a sibling for as long as he can remember, so he is incredibly grateful for his baby brother. I feel so blessed to be staying home with them and not "missing" any moments.

When they first met after the birth of our second boy, my heart almost exploded with joy. They are both fiercely loved. It is important to reassure the first child that your love for them remains just as strong. We are forever grateful for our two boys, and I look forward to loving them equally—though in different stages—for eternity.

When 2 Lines Turn Back to 1

Trigger Warning for miscarriages, postpartum, & infertility. 

I have known many people that have had miscarriages, but that has not been part of our story... until recently. For those of you who know me and our story, having our only son was really hard for me AFTER he was born. It was really, really, really hard. It also affected our family, and it was hard for them, too. 

But there are a lot of things that women don't feel comfortable talking about or sharing with most people. Miscarriages, postpartum mental health issues, and infertility are probably at the top of the list. So, a lot of times women struggle in silence. Which is a very lonely place, and that makes it worse. Somethings people struggle with when trying and having babies are: 

Infertility for women (and men) 

Miscarriages 

Hormonal issues during pregnancy 

Postpartum depression 

Postpartum psychosis 

Being a single mom 

Not having family or friend support and even sabotage 

Dealing with custody issues 

But, with even this long list of possible struggles, how often do you hear people talk about them? How often do you worry about feeling ashamed or worry you might be judged if you do share? The sad thing to me is with the state of social media, cyber bullying, unwanted opinions, unsolicited advice, you are justified with keeping hard things we deal with to ourselves. 

I have always wanted to change this, encourage people to share, and support one another when people need it the most. It is easy to ask for prayers when there are outwardly signs of distress or hospitalization. Crowd funding organizations like GiveSendGo are so helpful for rallying people behind a cause for people in need! Bless them for being a platform to give support through prayer and financial donations. 

But how often do you see crowd funding for any of the reproduction issues above? Full transparency, I haven't seen even one. That is a problem to me. All the above require support from family and friends and there are a lot of financial resources needed. So, we feel alone, we struggle in silence, we tough it out, and deal with it the best we can. 

That is why I am writing this post. That is why when I saw "2 lines" on the pregnancy test (learning I was pregnant), and even though it was so new, I told some family & friends. But then when I lost our baby, and the 2 lines went back to the "1 line" (not pregnant), I shared the sad news with the same people. But, because I had included them in our excitement, and then unfortunate loss, we got support. It was emotional support: calls, text messages, cards, visits, flowers, coffee, prayers, cake, and lots of chocolate. My parents and Kyle's parents are even buying us a tree in honor of our angel baby. 

All the support helps. It doesn't take away the pain and sadness, but it does give comfort in the moment. It gives people the opportunity to pray for you and your family. They can be there for you. They can remind you of God's faithfulness and hope for a healthy baby. 

I know I am VERY blessed to have a good support system, but I had to tell them. People can't be there for you if you don't include them in the journey and what you are going through when it happens. Otherwise, we feel alone. Losing a baby, at any stage, is so hard and even devastating. We shouldn't have to struggle in silence, but many people do. I hope this will change. 

We named our angel baby Taylor. I am comforted to know he or she is with my late mom, grandparents, other angel babies, and pups in Heaven. I hope for a someday baby. I pray God will answer our prayer for the baby that is on our hearts and hopefully we will have one day soon.

I made some art in honor of Taylor and hopes for our someday baby.  You can check out my Etsy shop here.