‘“I was just thinking how critical you are.” My natural instinct was… well, you know. But I thought, This is a good willed man. Maybe he means something else. So I asked, “What does that mean, that I’m critical?” He replied, “I mean our family couldn’t exist without you. You are so critical to us.”’ “The Language of Love & Respect,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Pg 101.
When I first read this I thought what you did, wow sounds like the beginning of a fight! This amazing book talks about a lot of things but one of the points of this chapter is how men say plainly what they mean most of the time and women read in between the lines. He also talked about how we hear each others voice's and have a different connotation in the sounds when we communicate.
I did an experiment with Kyle and myself at the dinner table. I said will you yell my name, pretending you are trying to get my attention. Then I did it. I thought he sounded mad at me and he thought I sounded like a damsel in distress. So this just shows how the tone of our voices can make the other person feel a certain way about something we are saying.
Two students are given a task to try to get the other student to cross a line. Students in America will try to bribe the other student and do anything they can to try to get the other student to come over. In Japan the same experiment was done and almost immediately all the students quickly switched sides so that each student won. Hence a true win, win.
I guess that is why in a loving marriage we don’t try to win on just one side, we did like the Japanese and try for a win, win. There is no "i" in team.